Sunday, May 20, 2007


Man oh man. More and more every day can I identify with Conor Oberst's lyric: "I felt lost and found with every step I took."

That's not a horribly bad thing. It just seems that no matter how closer I get to the destination that this life has (if I'm allowed to get away with that over-used metaphor), the more blurry the "X" that marks the spot is off in the distance. The more clear things are marked out, the more unsure I am of the steps, or vice versa.

I'm very excited about the future; it's weird, because chance simultaneously freaks me out and keeps me going. I get content with where I'm at all the time--this is one of the reasons graduation was so shocking or hard to believe perhaps. But at the same time change is pretty cool. Change, it seems, is something that we as humans have to do. We change because it may be necessary, it may be inevitable, it may be reasonable. Maybe it's God's way of working the kinks out.

Sometimes I'm a cynic about a lot of things, mostly the amount of intervention God has in everything we do, and the degree in which we as Christians in fact have a "personal relationship with Jesus Christ." Is he really supposed to be our friend? Is that what he died for--to gain our friendship?? How much of what we think of our relationship with Christ is based on emotions, and the desire to be loved despite everything about us that is unlovable?

But I think sometimes when I believe myself to be a cynic I am in fact really a hypocrite. The fact is, life is change, and we're required to change as Christians. If nothing else, we are a "new creation." Does that happen at the moment of salvation, or does it happen over time? Probably both.

I'm not sure where I'm going with this. It seems I feel more lost and found with every step I take.